


like home

by firstpynch



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish Feels, Adam Parrish Loves Ronan Lynch, Adam introspect, Fluff, Gangsey feels, Gen, How Do I Tag, M/M, No CDTH spoilers, POV Adam Parrish, Past Child Abuse, Soft Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish, this is a whole lot of Adam feels tbh cos I love my boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-27 04:47:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21386329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firstpynch/pseuds/firstpynch
Summary: How Adam Parrish realises he has a home.
Relationships: Orphan Girl | Opal & Adam Parrish, Richard Gansey III & Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 5
Kudos: 120





	like home

**Author's Note:**

> I started reading CDTH and then proceeded to spend my entire life thinking about the origins of "tamquam alter idem" because....,,,, HOW SOFT. This was the result. 
> 
> This is my first pynch fic, and probably incredibly OOC but I HAD FEELS.

Adam Parrish had never really had a home.

The trailer park he had spent eighteen years of his life in – it wasn’t a home. Not really. Every morning he relished in walking out into the crispy Virginia air. He counted the steps it took him to get far away enough from the trailer park to finally be able to get a breath of air. Nothing in life was free. Adam knew that more than anyone else. He paid for a roof over his head by being the punching bag to his father’s fists. He appreciated Gansey’s friendship by sacrificing his pride for the sake of those moments where Gansey smiled brightly. He earned his keep in the world by exhausting himself every day to survive in it. But taking a breath cost more when it in the trailer park, serving as another reminder that everything he has belongs to his father.

Adam dreamt of making it out of there, every second of his life.

St. Agnes was nothing, really, but it was Adam Parrish’s nothing and he loved it. It was a symbol of his independence, of his bravery. It was a reminder that Adam Parrish was one step closer to making it out of Henrietta, that he was one step closer to not being Robert Parrish’s son. But it wasn’t home, not really, just a kind of wistful thinking. He would look at the peeling dirty cream paint of the walls, stare up at the cracks on the ceiling on nights the loneliness became overbearing and he couldn’t sleep, and he would tell himself that one day he would have the home he wanted, that he deserved

Monmouth Manufacturing felt like home sometimes. On nights when they had poured over every scratch of pen in Gansey’s journal, when they had exhausted all possible links to Glendower they could find. Ronan would throw his head back, allowing it to hit the back of the battered couch with a thud and would declare he can’t “_deal with this fucking shit anymore, seriously Dick.” _Gansey would sigh, and then they would heat up several microwaveable boxes of Mac n Cheese and spread them out with a laugh. Adam would always keep his portions short – Gansey would get a wounded look on his face when Adam would deny the food or offer to pay for his box and Adam didn’t know how to win when the outcome of it was hurting Gansey. Ronan would make up for Adam’s small portion with his large one, sometimes feeding Chainsaw bits of whatever he is eating. But sometimes, Adam would turn to talk to Blue for a second and when he would turn back, his plate seemed to be weirdly fuller than it was five minutes ago. On nights like those, sitting on the floor cross-legged with his friends – his family – Noah telling weird jokes and Gansey staring lovesickingly at Blue as she engrossed herself in one of her famous rants, Adam could almost feel like he belonged. But then he would look at the time, remember the early morning shift he picked up at the factory before school because he couldn’t afford to pay for the heating at his apartment and it was getting cold, and the piles of homework he will have to pull an all-nighter for because of his late shift at the garage, and the illusion would break.

Cabeswater felt like home sometimes, too, because Cabeswater loved her magician, just like her magician loved Cabeswater. Because when Adam Parrish was in Cabeswater, he wasn’t the scholarship kid who lived the trailer park. He wasn’t the abuse victim Adam Parrish. He wasn’t Gansey’s friend Adam Parrish. He was just Adam – Adam, the magician. Adam had walked into Cabeswater that first time what felt like a lifetime ago, and the restlessness in his heart stilled, just for a minute. But Cabeswater was gone now, a sacrifice Adam would make again and again. Cabeswater was nothing compared to Gansey – his stupid, amazing, glorious best friend Gansey. Adam is a decisive person: he knew he wants to get out of Henrietta, that he wants to have a life that doesn’t belong to anyone but himself. He knows that he would tear the whole world to shreds so that Gansey can get one more second of air. Adam would never regret giving up Cabeswater for Gansey – when it came down to it, it wasn’t even a decision to be made. Adam doesn’t want to live in a world without Gansey. But sometimes, when he walked through a park and heard the wind rustling through the trees, for one second he thought it was Cabeswater beckoning him, and he missed it. The closest thing he had to home, and it was gone.

But as Adam drove into the driveway of the Barns, he felt a twinge in his chest. It was a feeling he didn’t think he had ever experienced before, didn’t really know what it meant. But he likes it, that much he knows. It felt good, a warmth blossoming in his chest reminiscent of how he felt the first time Ronan kissed him that fateful night on his birthday – the kiss that had felt like soaking in the showers of freedom. It felt like every kiss he had shared with Ronan since, every moment he had looked into Ronan’s icy blue eyes and felt _happy._ Winter break had just started, and his acceptance letters had started flowing in. Adam had allowed himself one weekend off – no homework, no studying, no work. It had delighted Gansey, who had been trying to convince Adam to take a break for as long as they had known each other. “What will you do?” Gansey had asked with mild curiosity – no one had ever seen Adam Parrish take a break before, after all. Adam pretended to think about it, although he knew the answer before he had even made the decision.

_Ronan. _

He would always choose Ronan.

And so here Adam was, driving the shitbox down the Barns’ driveway half an hour after parting ways with Gansey and Henry at the parking lot of Aglionby. He had fist bumped Gansey, ignored a suggestive wink from Henry when he informed them of his plans to spend the weekend with Ronan, and then drove off to the direction his heart was calling him.

Opal had crashed into his almost as soon as he slammed the door of the Hondayota shut.

“Hiya, kiddo,” he said, ruffling her golden locks with a smile. “Whatcha doin’ out here?” His accent slipped out, as it seemed to always do when at the Barns. He didn’t attempt to hide it. The magical world Niall Lynch had created for his family had always felt as much a safe haven to Adam as he knew it did to Ronan. He didn’t have to be someone else here. He was just Adam – magician, scholar, the heart of a dreamer, the friend to a King.

Opal dragged out a pocket full of stones in response, thrusting them into Adam’s hands. He brought them closer to his eyes to inspect it. The stones weren’t anything special, just rocks and pieces of debris Opal probably found on the ground, but she had handed it over to Adam with a proudful beam. “These are great, kiddo,” Adam said with a bright smile. “Why don’t you see if you can find more, and then we’ll put them into your box after dinner.”

“Okay, Adam!” Opal said, hugging Adam’s legs once more before she skipped back towards the field, Chainsaw crowing at her from close behind.

Adam walks into the main house, taking his muddy sneakers off at the door and padding through the cold stone floor of the Barns in just his plain, black socks.

“Ronan?” he called out. “You in here?”

Ronan was sprawled out on his stomach, shirtless, on the large leather couch, his back tattoo in full view. Adam felt his mouth go dry, which was no doubt the effect Ronan was intending. Still, he refused to give Ronan the satisfaction of knowing he was winning.

Adam picked up a black tank top (the only article of clothing Ronan seems to own) from the floor, throwing it directly at Ronan’s head.

“Put a shirt on, Lynch,” he drawled, “you look ridiculous.”

Ronan sat up at the sound, his thin mouth pulled into his trademark smirk. “Like what you see, Parrish?”

“I’ve seen better,” Adam says, as he sits down next to Ronan. He looks at Ronan, cradling his sharp face in his hands and pressing their lips together in a sweet kiss, the promise of many to come. “Hi,” he says when he pulls back, and Ronan laughs.

“C’mere here, nerd,” he says, leaning in again to capture Adam’s lips. They carry on like this for ages, what may be minutes but felt like seconds to Adam, before Ronan pulls back and looks at Adam with a critical eye. “So,” he says, as he leans against the back of the couch, pulling Adam to press against him, “where are you hiding your nerd books?”

“No books,” Adam mumbles against Ronan’s shoulder, where he had face planted himself, taking in Ronan’s warmth.

“I don’t believe you,” Ronan says. “You never stop studying.”

“Not this weekend,” Adam says. “This time, I’m all yours.”

Ronan’s face softens, and he looks infinitely younger then. In these moments, Adam gets a glimpse of the boy Ronan used to be before they ever met – they one Gansey had the privilege of knowing and Adam could only grasp pieces of. The Ronan with bouncing curls like Matthew’s, who played Irish bagpipes and played Tennis and dreamt of golden-haired boys he wanted to look after. The one who wasn’t scared by the image of his bleeding father on their porch. Adam gets to see more and more glimpses of this Ronan lately, and he yearns for the light his Ronan had to lose because of a shitty, shitty world.

Adam wishes he was able to give that light back to him.

“You really wanna spend your one free weekend in your entire life feeding cows and chasing Opal around the farm so that she doesn’t eat twigs?” Ronan’s tone was playful, but Adam knew Ronan better than he knew himself. Somedays, he knew Ronan couldn’t quite believe he got to have this, got to have them. That was okay, though, because Adam had a hard time believing it sometimes, too. On those days, he would hold Ronan extra hard and try to convey through his touches that he doesn’t plan on ever letting go.

“No,” Adam said. “I want to spend my free weekend waking up next to you, laughing because you’re covered in cow shit when we’re trying to feed them, together, because that’s how we roll. I want to spend it explaining to Opal why pasta will taste better than twigs, I want to teach her how to read and feel proud when she gets a sentence right. I want to sit around the campfire with you and Opal and Matthew and Gansey and Blue and Henry, and even Declan when they all visit on Sunday, and reminisce Noah because we never quite feel complete without him. I want to spend my one free weekend in forever with my family, and that’s you, Ronan. You, and your brothers and Opal and Gansey and Blue and Henry and the memory of Noah, but especially you.”

Ronan stared at him for a moment, and his eyes look suspiciously glassy. Finally, finally Ronan opened his mouth, and he said almost reverently “I love you.”

And

Oh.

Adam wasn’t expecting that.

In hindsight he probably should have. He always knew how Ronan felt, and he knows how he feels too. He opens his mouth, tries to say them back, wants to say them, but he can’t get it out. Adam doesn’t really know how to say it. It’s just three words, but it’s a dream Adam never thought he would be lucky enough to have. Love was a privilege, and he was never allowed it.

He wants to say it back, but the words won’t come out of his mouth.

“Ro,” he says. He swallows, then tries again. “Ronan, I –“

Ronan kisses Adam, a little desperately, Adam’s lips chasing Ronan’s when he breaks away. “It’s okay. I know, Adam. I know.”

“But, I…” Adam tries again. Ronan intertwines his fingers with Adam’s, bringing his hand up and pressing a soft kiss on each of Adam’s fingers.

“Adam,” he says again, and Adam will never get over how his name sounds on Ronan’s lips. “It’s okay, I know.” He presses his lips to Adam’s palms. “I know you.”

_I know you. _

Adam doesn’t know what it feels like to be known.

“I know you, like you’re me,” he says. “Better than me.”

Adam can’t get those three words out, but he has something else to say.

_“Tamquam,”_ Adam whispers to Ronan instead.

Ronan smiles, and Adam knows that Ronan knows exactly what Adam is thinking, because _he knows him._

_“Alter idem,”_ Ronan says, and as Adam presses his cheek into the crook of Ronan’s neck and breathes in the smell that is so intrinsically Ronan, Adam finally puts a word to the feeling in his chest he gets when he pulls up to the Barns.

It’s the feeling of coming home.

**Author's Note:**

> For anyone who doesn't know - 
> 
> "tamquam alter idem" basically means "as a second self." It is used to describe an inseparable friend. Or uno.... a soulmate. Because our boys are romantic like that.


End file.
